Nightingale
by bveronika
Summary: My life has been out of control for 6 years now. Everyone I have ever loved or gotten close to has now turned their backs on me and left me in the dark. I have no one but myself, my razor, my past and my scars. These are my friends, and this is my world. Trigger warning: Cutting, self-harm.
1. Chapter 1

My life has been out of control for 6 years now. Everyone I have ever loved or gotten close to has now turned their backs on me and left me in the dark. I have no one but myself, my razor, my past and my scars. Cutting has become my only friend, if you can even call it that. I find the scars on my body beautiful, but they taunt me all the time. They laugh at me for being alone and for crying. They laugh at me in the summer when I have to wear long sleeved shirts. They laugh at me when I look at other people's wrists and admire how clean and scar-less their skin is. These are my friends, and this is my world.

I don't exactly know when my life turned into some kind of sick game with my razor blade, but it did and since I can't change the past, why dwell on it? I just remember that one night I took a paper clip, unbent it and put it to my skin. I sat on my bed for 20 minutes scratching my innocent, pure skin until it was raw and bleeding. The satisfaction of it was surprising to me. I got a rush of energy, my sobbing stopped and then I proceeded to do it again. But oh no, I wasn't done torturing myself. I wanted to feel something even more, to distract me from the yelling going on in my house and to distract me from the emotional pain I was going through at that moment. Because of past experiences I knew hand sanitizer stung any open cuts, and raw skin was practically an open cut, right? Well I didn't have hand sanitizer, but I had nail polish remover, both consisting of alcohol so I got that instead and poured some of my fresh two raw scratches. It burned like hell for the first minute, but then I felt an overwhelming sense of calmness and that became my cutting ritual.

Somewhere down the road, in the beginning of 9th grade, I began cutting with a razor blade. No one knew about this cutting ritual of mine except two of my closest friends. For some unknown reason to me, I began opening up to more people about my cutting in the middle of 9th grade. I think it was my cry for help, but no one seemed to notice that so I was never able to stop. The cutting got worse and worse. It went from cutting once a month to cutting four times a day. My arm was running out of open skin, and my excuses were becoming stupid and were obviously lies I made up on the spot.

But then I met a girl. A girl that changed my world for the better and we soon became best friends. Her name was Selena and she was the only one to show me that she actually cared about me through her actions and words, not just words like everyone else in my life. She and I were soul mates in friendship form. It was obvious to her and me and to anyone else that saw us together. She cut too, and that made our friendship that much more strong because we could relate to feelings and experiences. If someone had known two "cutters" were best friends, they would have frowned down on our friendship and told us it was unhealthy for each other. But that wasn't the case at all. The truth is, people who didn't self harm were the ones that were unhealthy for us. We became the support system for the other, and we made promises to each other to not cut for a certain period of time. It always worked. And even if we relapsed, it was okay because the other knew what it was like. Yes, there was disappointment but we never looked down on the other for relapsing, which we both often did.

Selena became the center of my world, and I became hers. People thought we were lesbian and we were dating, but not until 10th grade did I start feeling for her other then in a friend way. She was beautiful and smart and everything I hadn't realized I wanted in a girl. Hell, I didn't even know I wanted a girl until Selena came around. One night when she was sleeping over my house, everything changed in our friendship. We had been drinking. Ugh I know, don't give me a lecture about underage drinking because frankly, I don't care. So, we had been drinking some but not enough to get drunk, not even enough to get tipsy. But we definitely drank enough to make us brave. We were cuddled up together like we usually were but it wasn't in any kind of sexual or intimate way. We were simply two best friends holding each other to make sure the other felt safe. We cuddled all the time because the only place we felt safe was in the arms of the other. Our mothers found it odd at first but when they realized how close we were, and how non-sexual and innocent it was, they no longer cared and would actually often take pictures of us cuddling while we were sleeping.

So that night as were were cuddling, Selena started crying and I had learned that words never comforted her, only actions so I pulled her closer to me, rocked her gently and kissed her forehead until her crying subdued. Only when she was done crying would I ever dare to ask her why, and she would do the same to me. She looked up at me with her chocolate brown eyes and gave me a weak smile. I asked her what was wrong and she simply said "I'm in love with you." It confused me. Why was she crying because she loved me? We often told the other "I love you". Only after a minute did I finally realize what Selena had actually said. She didn't say I love you, she had said I'm in love with you. And as always, I didn't use words with Selena to show her what I was feeling and thinking, I used actions. I leaned over and kissed her on her lips and told her I was in love with her as well. Our friendship had obviously changed into something more then just friends, and we both welcomed it with open arms. We had been there for each other through everything and it only seemed like the right thing to do.

But I didn't realize what being in love with a girl meant until 2 months into our new found relationship. We were laughed at, spit at, cursed at; anything you could imagine that could happen, happened to us. The worst thing that happened though was 2 months into our relationship, when we finally decided to tell our parents. The rejection we received from our parents was unfathomable and it crushed both of us. We expected there to be some kind of tension and disbelief, but how could the possibility of us dating not pass through the minds of BOTH sets of parents? I was kicked out of my house but luckily, although Selena's parents disapproved and totally disowned her, Selena was not. And the funny thing is, they even let me live with them after being kicked out. I believed they would come around to us dating but they just needed to get over the initial shock.

Living together was a blessing and a curse. It helped our um.. sex life, but it gave us more time to argue with each other and argue we did. We argued about everything under the sun, from how long showers should last to being over bearing girlfriends and wanting to know every single last thing about where we were and who we were with. But at the end of the day, Selena and I never went to bed angry at each and the arguing actually helped us in bed. We released any anger out in sex, and although that may sound really bad and abusive, it never got like that. The worst it ever got was maybe causing the other one to bleed because of bite marks or scratch marks, and that's minimal compared to what I've seen in porn. And just like so many people say, you can't have a good, healthy relationship without some arguments. They sucked while we were having them, but were great at strengthening our bond.

I know what you're thinking. You were in 10th grade having sex, arguing and living with your girlfriend, how fucked up is that? And yes, in a way it is and was fucked up because of our "young" ages, but do you think it's fucked up for a guy and girl to have sex at 15? No, I didn't think so. And we didn't even have the risk of getting pregnant. We always talked about what we thought people thought of us, and it caused many, many times in which we both ended up crying in the other's arms, but we didn't care. We had each other, we had pasts that haunted us everywhere we turned and we loved each other. There was nothing more to it then that, and those were better reasons then any of the reasons anyone else in our high school were together for.

But as everyone knows, all good things must come to an end and my relationship with Selena did just that. It wasn't because we didn't have feelings for each other, because we still do. It wasn't because someone cheated. It wasn't because her parents made us. It was because I had to go to college in another state and she couldn't move with me, although we both talked about it. Selena had her own goals in life and going to the University of Michigan was not one of them. She had her own college and majors picked out and we just couldn't let the other one change their goals for the sake of a relationship. I still talk to Selena everyday, in fact I just got done skyping with her. Our feelings are still there, but distance is a cock blocker and we both go out on dates with other people. None of them ever lead to anything, but might as well give it a shot.

And that leads to me where I am in my life right now. I'm alone. No Selena, no friends. Well, I have Selena but she's hundreds of miles away doing God knows what while I sit on my bed, twirling the blade in my hand.

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**_Hey guys, it's Veronika! This is a new story I'm going to be working on but I want input from you guys. YES YOU GUYS GET TO DICTATE THIS STORY! I'm going to have polls up and what not, so make sure to check them out. The first poll I'm going to be having is going to be about relationships. Who do you want to see Demi with in this story? She can have multiple flings, I don't care. YOU decide. I hope I have your interest with this story. I understand I'm not following very closely to Demi's real life, but that's okay. This isn't written about her real life, this is written in an AU. Review, vote ( Go to my profile!) and enjoy :)_**


	2. Chapter 2

**Selena's P.O.V**

"Hey Demi," I wave to Demi through the computer screen. My heart bursts into a million pieces every time Demi and I Skype. She is so gorgeous, and has gotten even more sexy since the last time I saw her, which was now a year ago to the day. I'm still in love with Demi, I think I always will be. She was my first everything. She helped me out of a dark tunnel, and I hope I did the same for her. While we were together, things were working out in both of our lives. We both started cutting less and were looking at the bright side of things rather then the negative side of things, which we had both been prone to doing for all of our lives.

When Demi told me she was moving to Michigan for college, it broke me down into nothing. We had said forever and always to each other, but she was leaving me here in Texas while she pursued her studies in Michigan. MICHIGAN! Of all the places she could've gone, she chose Michigan. I have nothing against Michigan, but it's one of the furthest states away from me and it made me feel like she didn't want me anymore and that she was running away. She never knew that because I never told her, and she will never know because I know she'll do something dumb like drop out and move back to Texas.

We tried to work something out, like me transferring to U of M after a year or two, or me going with her from the start, but as good as a university Michigan is, they didn't offer the program I was interested in. We even looked into other colleges and universities in Michigan, but none of them appealed to me like the University of Texas. It was the hardest decision either one of us had made, to end the relationship. But I think we did the right thing, well I want to think we did the right thing. I don't know if it was, though. Only 4 months into our separation did I realize that Demi wasn't running away from me, and that she did still want me. We talked over Skype one night for four hours and that's when it was revealed that feelings were still there, me for her and her for me. We both thought we got over the break-up but with a love as strong as ours was, I don't think we could ever just "get over it".

We agreed that we would give our relationship another try when we both graduated, but in the mean time we could see other people, as if. Sure, I went on dates but they weren't with other girls. The only girl I would ever allow to have my heart is Demi. I find other girls attractive but Demi will always have my heart. After a few dates with guys, I was totally disgusted and so turned off. I came to see that I wasn't bisexual like I had previously thought, but I was definitely lesbian. I hadn't looked at a guy in a sexual way since 10th grade, but it took me 3 years to admit to myself that I was in fact lesbian through and through. So, I haven't been on a date in 3 months and am now horny as hell as I see Demi giving me that huge, beautiful smile of hers.

Smiling shouldn't make someone horny, right? Well it's wrong in my case because that smile, that one she has plastered on her face right now is the one Demi would give me every time, and I mean every single time we were finished having sex. All the times we had sex came rushing back to me when she smiled at me and all the memories are very...overwhelming. We had kinky, hot sex everywhere. I mean everywhere. In the shower, on the kitchen table, in the movie theater, any where you could imagine, we probably had sex there.

"Hey, Lena. How was your day?" I snap out of my day dreaming and focus back in on the screen. To my surprise, Demi is changing her clothes. I sit in silence and just watch and admire Demi's body. Her body hasn't changed and my eyes wander everywhere. She begins unstrapping her bra and as her bra falls to the floor, I gasp at her breasts. They're just as big and round as I remember them, and oh man do I remember them. I remember how wet I could make Demi just by sucking on her right nipple. It had to be the right nipple. I remember how her skin tasted like as I would trail kisses down her stomach, and how she tasted like when I finally reached her hot, pulsing core.

"Lena, you're staring." Demi giggles as she puts a bra and shirt on. Damn, I've been caught. But I'm not ashamed of myself. I know she's stared at me when I've changed in front of her on Skype.

"Well what can a girl do when a sexy women is stripping on her computer screen?" Demi's put on a shirt that is low cut and as she leans over to pick something off the floor, I'm able to grab another glance at her cleavage. She bends back up and goes to place a piece of paper next to her on the bed. As she's placing the paper on the bed, my eye catches something red on her wrist. I wince as I look at it. I know exactly what it is, but Demi has yet to say anything to me about cutting herself again. To be honest, I thought she had stopped like I had. She had stopped for a period of time, but something big must've happened for her to start back up again. I can't say it doesn't surprise me though. I started going to therapy when Demi left because I no longer had Demi's support. Well I had her support, but it was coming from hundreds of miles away and that just wasn't the same. I advised Demi to do the same but I don't think Demi ever did.

"Um...but to answer your question, my day was shit. My English professor does his lectures in monotone and I had to sit through his 3 hour lecture today. I have two essays due tomorrow in History and some asshole tried hitting on me and wouldn't get a clue even when I pointed out to him I was taken." The smile on Demi's face disappears as soon as the last word has come out of my mouth.

"You..you're taken? Who are you seeing?" Demi looks like she's about to cry and I realize that what I said about being taken must have hurt her.

"No, Dems. I'm single, but my heart is taken...by you." Demi's face immediately lightens up as soon as I say that.

"Selena, my heart is taken by you, too. You are the only person in the world I can see myself with for the rest of my life. I miss you so much. I've been thinking of coming home on my next break." I get too excited about this news. I haven't seen my baby girl in a year and although we've both tried so hard to come visit, one of us has always been busy during a break. Luckily, our next breaks fall at the same time and I have nothing planned.

"Really, babe? You're coming home for spring break?" My face hurts from all the smiling I'm doing right now. Demi will be home for a week and I'll be able to protect her and keep her from whatever is causing her so much pain right now.

"Yes, really. In fact, I've just made up my mind. I'll buy the ticket right now. I miss you way too much and it's about time I come home." I know she's not talking about her home, because her parents still haven't talked to her since we came out to them. She considers her home my home and my parents actually did come around to accepting me, and then accepting us together. They'll be so excited to see their Demi. That's what they call Demi, their Demi. I used to always have to remind them that she's MY Demi, not their's but when we broke up I stopped saying she was my Demi because at that time, I didn't really know.

"Oh my gosh, Dems! I'm so excited! Mom and Dad will be too! I can't wait to have you home, in my arms so I can.. never mind." I stop myself before I say something that may cross the line. We may have feelings for each other, but we're not together and I don't know if she'll want to here what I want to do to her.

"So you can what, Lena?" She laughs. I shake my head.

"Nope, never mind." Demi pouts and that's all that it takes for me to give into her.

"So I can kiss your forehead, then your lips, then your neck..then suck on those oh so delicious boobs of yours, then give you butterfly kisses down your stomach to your..." I stop talking. I think Demi gets the picture and if I keep talking, I'll keep getting wetter then I already am.

"Mmm, Selena. You don't know how much I want you right now." I smile. I can tell that Demi is really turned on right now because she's really flustered.

"And I, you, Demi. Anyways, I have to go. I have my next class in 15 minutes. I love you and I'll Skype you tomorrow." Demi says goodbye and we end the call.


	3. Chapter 3

They say that when you're about to die your life flashes before you, but will your life flash before you if you don't want to see it? What if I hated my life, would there be a possibility of stopping that flashing moment? I'm about to die and the only thing that's going through my head is that I don't want to see my life before me. My life was a sick game that's about to be won by a blade. I had to suffer through it once, isn't that enough?

I was fine while Skyping with Selena, but as soon as I hit the end button reality hits me once again and I'm back to square one. All of this would be easier if I had Selena close to me. If she was next to me and if she held me through my waves of deep depression, I would be okay. I wanted to tell Selena to stay, to skip class and just talk to me but the words couldn't get out quickly enough and the call ended. Everything leaves my mind when I'm talking with her and for that hour we're on together, all I think of is Selena and Selena alone. What I don't understand is how my mood can change that quickly. How can I go from being one of the happiest people alive to being the person cutting herself so deep that she's hanging on the verge of life or death.

Maybe I should've gotten professional help a long time ago, but only one person seems to understand me. No one else has, no one else will so why even try to get a shrink to understand me. What do they know about how it feels to be me? They don't know. They don't know anything about how it feels to be me. They don't know how I feel when people look at my scars and walk away, they don't know how I feel when I hear the love of my life is going on a date with someone else, they don't know how I feel when I'm all alone at night crying. They just don't know and it takes too much emotion and effort to try to explain something that's unexplainable.

And that brings me full circle to why I did what I did. No one understands and cares about me. I could show them the scars, the blood, the tears but no one will ever understand why I do what I do or why I feel what I feel. I don't even talk to my parents anymore because they completely ruined my childhood and hate me anyway for loving a girl, and every person I meet ends up leaving when they discover my monsters. I don't even tell people about my past anymore. I just occasionally slip up and forget to keep my sleeves over my hands and my shirts ride up to expose my bloody, fresh, deep new scars. As soon as they see them they run for the hills and the last thing I'll ever hear from them is "You need help." It's so predictable now that when I know someone is about to leave, I leave them before they have the chance of hurting me.

I got off the Skype call and quickly found my blade. It wasn't hard to find because I have one stashed in each drawer, one in the medicine cabinet, one in my backpack, one..well you get the point. I have one everywhere in case I ever need it. I wasn't expecting to cut deep enough to kill me, just deep enough to numb me and let me forget everything. I put the metal to my skin and pushed down, hard. I let the blade slide over my other scars and leave its mark. It didn't even bleed until 10 minutes later, that's how deep it was. It was like my wrist had a new fault line and the blood started gushing, gushing, gushing out. Usually the bleeding stopped after 20 minutes but this time it didn't, and I knew I had cut too deep when I started getting dizzy and everything just went black.I'm probably unconscious right now and I don't know how long I'll be laying on this floor with my blood around me, but hopefully my roommate will come home soon and get me to a hospital or something. Or maybe I'll just die and everyone will be happier when I'm gone. But until she comes or I die, I'll just keep talking to distract me from these moments that have started flashing before me.

My roommates name is Dhyana. We have the stereotypical roommate relationship; I hate her, she hates me. We've probably tried to switch roommates 20 times each but housing is completely filled and we're stuck with each other until, hopefully, the end of the year. When we first met, I thought she was beautiful and funny and sweet, but a month into this living arrangement she'd come home drunk from parties, with other people, and be so loud at 2 am like I wasn't sleeping in the room next door. I confronted her about it and her response to the confrontation was to let other people sleep on my bed when I was gone for classes, and have me return to my pillows, sheets and comforter literally shredded into a million tiny pieces. Normally I wouldn't have gotten revenge but it was a $200 bed set that Selena had bought for me. We both have our own laundry detergent, and when Dhyana was gone for classes one day, I peed in a cup and poured it in her detergent. So while she thinks she's wearing clean clothes, she's actually wearing clothes that have been washed in my pee and that brings me a lot more joy then it probably should. I know it's really gross but she's such a bitch and I hate her with everything I have.

When Dhyana saw my cuts and scars for the first time, although I was really careful so she wouldn't see them, she told me that they were disgusting, I deserve them, and that she wished I would just kill myself so she would finally have the apartment to herself. Needless to say, that made me hate her even more and that's the number one reason why I put my pee in her laundry detergent. That night I left to go to a hotel and I stayed there for a week. I spent all those nights on Skype with Selena but all I would do was cry and she didn't know why. It was just be an hour of me crying and Selena comforting me and telling me she loved me. Those were the worst nights of my life, but they were the best, too because Selena poured her soul out to me about her feelings for me and it was the first time she had told me she loved me since our breakup.

I think someone just entered the apartment and although we hate each other, hopefully Dhyana will help me or something.

"HOLY SHIT! OH MY GOD, DHYANA COME HERE RIGHT NOW! YOUR ROOMMATE IS DEAD OR SOMETHING!" I'm not dead. Just help me, please.

"Ha! Good, it's about time! She probably killed herself." I can feel the darkness of two shadows looking over my body and I'm trying my hardest to move something so they know I'm not dead. I'm still alive.

"What the hell do we do? Oh my god, she's alive. She just moved her hand. We need to call 9-1-1 or something."

"Why? She's a bitch, just let her die. She probably did this for attention and probably wanted to die anyway so just give her what she wants."

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT SHE WANTS! YOU ALWAYS SHIT TALK HER BUT AS FAR AS I'VE SEEN SHE'S REALLY SWEET AND NICE AND SHE'S ABOUT TO DIE. IF YOU DON'T CALL THE POLICE THEN I WILL AND IF YOU DON'T THAT'S THE END OF OUR FRIENDSHIP. YOU DON'T JUST LET SOMEONE BLEED OUT TO DEATH BECAUSE YOU HATE THEM. YOU'RE SUCH A COLD, HEARTLESS BITCH!" Amen! I think I recognize the voice. I'm pretty sure it's Samantha. She has always been nice to me and I'm really pleased that she's standing up to Dhyana right now. She's always let Dhyana walk all over her.

"FINE, SAMANTHA! I'll go call the fucking police."


	4. Chapter 4

**Selena's P.O.V**

Ever since I got off Skype with Demi, I've had a really uneasy feeling. It's like my body and brain know that something bad is going to happen and I just wish I knew what that something was. I have a feeling it has to Demi and that scares me more then anything. I haven't been able to concentrate on my classes and eventually I just got up and left my class. It makes me really nervous that something might be happening to Demi and I'm not close enough to her to be there in person for her. I'm just going to go home and call her and see if everything is okay with her. I'm really scared something is wrong and she's not telling me. I really wish she knew that I'm not disappointed in her for relapsing on her cutting. I just want to help her and for her to be okay. She's my baby, my love, my everything. I wouldn't be able to survive if she weren't here on Earth.

Maybe I'm just being stupid and paranoid for no reason, but I need to make sure this feeling I'm having isn't correct. This has happened before and it had to do with Demi that time. It was when we were together and living with each other. We had gotten into a huge argument over something probably really small and stupid. One of us always left the house after an argument and this time it was Demi who left. The whole time she was gone, I had a feeling something wasn't right and that she wouldn't be back tonight. Usually we'd be gone for a maximum of 3 hours and then we'd come home, talk things through, apologize and have make-up sex. Every. Single. Time. So when Demi didn't show up after 5 hours, I knew that my feeling was right.

I called her, and called her, and called her but she didn't answer any of my 15 calls. That was so un-stereotypical of Demi to do and I immediately went into panic mode and got into my car and started driving aimlessly in hopes of maybe finding her somewhere close to home. The feeling in my stomach kept getting worse and worse to the point that I had to stop my car, get out and throw up four times. By that time I had driven around my city 5 times and Demi and her car were nowhere to be seen. I didn't know where Demi went after we fought and she didn't know where I went. It was something we agreed would be kept to ourselves, to be private and personal to us. I didn't necessarily have one spot I went to, but I always stayed within our city. Knowing Demi, I knew she probably drove to a place 5 miles out of town. But in which direction, I had no idea and there were probably 5 different towns surrounding us.

I got on the highway and drove from city to city, looking for Demi but as far as I could tell, she wasn't in any of those cities. By the time I was done searching all 5 cities, it was midnight and I was sobbing and I was so tired. I gave up my search, praying to God to keep Demi safe wherever she was and to please bring her home. I was 30 minutes away from home and I got back on the highway. As I was exiting to my city's exit, I saw a car up ahead that had its flashers on. I decided to miss my exit and see what was going on. I thought that if I couldn't help Demi in that moment, then I could at least help this person. As I pulled up closer to the car, I realized it was Demi's car. I could see Demi sitting on the grass besides her car, but I didn't know why. Why would she just sit on the highway? I pulled up behind her car and ran out of my car to Demi. She was crying and shaking and I could't help but start crying, too. I held her on the side of the highway for 20 minutes while we both cried. After 20 minutes, Demi finally spoke and told me to look at the car.

I looked up at the car and I knew why Demi was sitting on the side of the road, crying. Someone had hit her car, destroying the front end of it. I asked Demi what happened and she told me someone crashed into her and just drove off. She was so shocked and shaken from the accident that she didn't know what else to do but sit on the side of the highway and just wait until someone came. I got furious with whoever hit her and the roles changed from me comforting Demi to Demi comforting me. I knew my feeling had been right and Demi could've been killed. But the thing that hurt me and made me the most mad was that someone just drove off without even checking to make sure the person they had hit was okay. Luckily Demi only had minor scratches and bruises but even that was more then I would have wanted to happen to her.

I'm hoping this feeling doesn't have to do with Demi because if it does, Lord knows I'm spending the thousand dollars for a red-eye, non-stop flight to Michigan. As I'm reaching my house, I start running so I can get inside and call Demi. I would've done it on the walk home but in case something is wrong with her, I want to be able to talk to her in private. I open the door and start dialing Demi's number. It's the only number I know like the back of my hand.

"Hello?" Who's answering Demi's phone? Oh shit...it's her girlfriend. I thought she said she wasn't seeing anyone.

"Oh, sorry...I uh..was just..nevermind..by-"

"NO! Don't go! Are you a friend of Demi's?"

"Yeah, I'm Selena..her ex-girlfriend and best friend." The person on the other end of the line chuckles and mumbles something under her breath. She think I can't understand what she's saying, but I can.

"I'm sorry, do you have a problem with Demi being lesbian? Whatever, why are you even answering her phone? Who the fuck are you?" I'm getting pissed off. Why is someone who has a problem with Demi's sexuality answering her phone? Why is Demi even friends with someone so rude?

"THAT'S WHAT I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU BUT YOU'RE BEING A BITCH TO ME. BITCH GOT WHAT SHE DESERVED!"

"Excuse me?"

"SHE FUCKING TRIED TO KILL HERSELF. JUST GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND TAKE HER TO THE HOSPITAL OR SOMETHING. THERE'S BLOOD EVERYWHERE AND I'M NOT FUCKING TOUCHING HER OR HER BLOOD." I can't believe what I'm hearing. Demi tried to kill herself? I didn't know she was that bad...oh my God. I need to go. I need to get to Michigan.

"HELLO? ARE YOU COMING OR NOT? She's bleeding alot and I'm not touching that fag."

"HOLD THE FUCK UP! FIRST OF ALL YOU DON'T CALL HER THAT AND SECOND OF ALL, WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?! IF SOMEONE IS BLEEDING OUT YOU FUCKING TAKE THEM TO A HOSPITAL, YOU DON'T JUST LET THEM BLEED OUT YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE. GET HER TO A FUCKING HOSPITAL OR ELSE WHEN I GET THERE BEING A FUCKING, STUPID, DUMB, BITCH IS GOING TO BE THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS!" I can't believe this person would just leave a person about to die laying on the ground. What kind of human being is this person?

I'm so scared right now. Demi is about to die and I'm hundred of miles away from her. She's going to die and I'm not going to ever get the chance to tell her I love her again in person. I need to go to Michigan. I need to go right now.

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**_I hope ya'll are enjoying the story so far. Don't forget to review on your way out and also I'm putting up a new poll question so check that out on my profile page. If you didn't vote in the last poll: Who do you want to see Demi with in Nightingale? Inbox me with your person! Choices are Selena, Joe, Wilmer( don't pick this please!), Nick, Miley or someone not listed. I will still take those votes into account even though that poll is over with. xx Veronika_  
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	5. Chapter 5

_**If you're reading Stay, you already know why I haven't updated in such a long time. If you don't read Stay, you should go check it out. But I'll repeat myself anyway: I've been super busy with an online class and was out of town for a week with no wifi and service. I suck. I'm so sorry for having this take so long. My sincerest apologizes, but here it is. xx**_

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**Demi's P.O.V**

I think I'm dead. There's nothing going through my head anymore. All it is is darkness with the occasional blinding white lights. What are those white lights? Am I supposed to reach out to them? Will they take me away to wherever I'm supposed to go next? But why do I hear noises? It's like someone is shouting in my ear, but it's so faint I can barely hear them. Maybe it's God, or whoever you meet when you die. If that's you God, please just lead me out of this darkness and let me be fully submerged in the white lights.

I've had near death experiences before, usually from times when I cut too deep or I downed too many sleeping pills. But that was the whole point of this, right? The cutting and the pills were to kill myself, but how come it's not what I want right now? I know why, because I have Selena. She is my rock, my soul, my everything even if we're not together. She always has been my everything and I think she always will be. I need to fight through this, if I'm not already dead which I'm almost positive I am, so I can continue my life with her, even as only friends. I haven't seen her in person for way too long and I can't die without seeing her face. Her face...it's the only thing that's stopping me from reaching to the white light.

I can see her face so vividly; it's beautiful. I can see her olive skin tone, her brown chocolate eyes staring into me, like she can see through me and read my mind. I imagine her smiling, and moaning my name when she finally came. I imagine her laying next to me, and her holding onto me so tight when I was having my breakdowns. I imagine her standing on top of the sand dunes, the ones that took us three hours to climb because we kept stopping to kiss and hug. I imagine her...crying? Why is she crying and screaming my name? I don't remember this memory.

I reach up to touch her face like it's really there, but I know it's all in my head. As soon as my hand nears the ghostly face, the white light blinds me and I start to scream. No, no, no, please don't take me away. She was right there, so close. Let me say goodbye...let me say goodbye. I love her, I love her, let me say goodbye.

I scream and scream and soon I feel the darkness enveloping me again, carrying me far, far away, away from the white lights, and away from her face. Just before I finally reach the darkness, I swear I hear her say, " I love you too, Demetria. I love you too."

You would think you'd get used to all this darkness, but you don't. It just makes everything worse because you know you're dead, yet you're stuck in this one place, away from the white light and away from the voices...Selena's voice... I don't know, maybe I'm just getting to the final stage before real death, like when you get to see your loved ones, and obviously Selena is my only loved one because my family...well my family hates me, and so does the rest of the world. But, then again, maybe I haven't reached the last "stage" of death because I'm still here, here in my mind with nothing but me, myself and I. Are there even stages of death? I don't know, but I sure feel like I'm close to it.

I wish I could see Selena's face and hear her voice one more time. Maybe I'm not mentally dead because I haven't been able to let go of my human life. I know I'm physically dead because.. I just feel physically dead. I can't move, I can't breathe. I'm still, I am dead.

Everything around me is becoming so animated. Dots are moving around, the white light is coming closer and closer. It's to the point where it's right in my face but I can't seem to reach out, or open my eyes to fully see it. How long have I been in the darkness anyway? It feels like it's been days and days, but at least I'm finally _close_ to the white light.

"Demi...Demi...wake up, you can do it. Please don't die, Demi. I need you... I need you so badly. Please, Demi wake up. I love you, I can't live without you. I'm so sorry I didn't follow you...I should've followed you...I need you, wake up Demi. Please...just wake up." Is that Selena I'm hearing? How is that possible, I'm dead. I'm not supposed to be hearing people. I hear you, Selena, I hear you. Can you hear me? Tell me what I have to do to see your face.

I feel as if I'm going to cry, but I know I can't because I'm dead, dead people don't cry. But then why is it that I feel a constant drop of water on my face? And why can I taste the saltiness of it? Am _I_ crying? Am I even dead? Yes, of course you're dead, Demi. You cut too deep, you were stupid and selfish as usual. You've only ever thought of yourself when it comes to this, and now you're dead. That's what you are, Demi. You. Are. Dead. She can't and won't hear you, and you're being delusional right now.

No, it can't be. I'm not dead. My mind wouldn't make up scenarios like that. For one, it sounded too real; too _there _to be a part of my imagination. I am alive and Selena is here. She came. Selena came to rescue me.

I reach up to the white blinding light, it's the first time I can actually touch it and when I feel something solid, yet soft at the end of my fingertips, it surprises me. You aren't able to touch and feel visible light, so what am I touching? I feel something cup over my hand, and I realize it's a hand. I must be touching someone.

"Demi! Oh my God, you're alive. You're awake. Dems, can you hear me now? Open your eyes, baby girl. Open your beautiful eyes so I can see you." I'm touching Selena. Selena is touching me. I try my hardest to open my eyes, but I can't. It's like my eyes are weighed down by a ton of bricks. They're so heavy, I can't seem to even move them a little. I begin to cry. I'm so close to her, yet I'm so far away.

"Baby girl, you can do it. I'm here, I'm waiting. Just open your eyes, Dem. Let me see your eyes. You can do it." I try and try and try, but I can't seem to open my eyes. I begin to cry and then I'm blinded by the white light again. In the distance I see the outline of someone.

"Demi! You opened your eyes. Oh my God. I love you, I love you so so much. I've missed you. I can't believe I didn't follow you, that I wasn't there to help you through everything you've been going through. I left you to fight for yourself, and I shouldn't have. I'm so sorry, Demi. Please forgive me. I can't believe it. You're alive. All the doctors said they thought you were going to die because of how much blood you lost. But you made it, Dem. You made it." Selena speaks so fast that I'm barely comprehending what she's said. Tears roll down her checks in a never-ending stream, and I reach out to her. I gently stroke her tears away.

"It...it's...o...kay. I...love you t..oo." I'm so out of breath. It hurts so badly to speak. But I'm alive, but Selena is here. _My_ Selena is here.


	6. Chapter 6

**Selena's P.O.V**

Demi and I sit in silence the remainder of the time she's in the hospital. There's both so much we want to say, but there are no words to say it. We're communicating through our silence, and her eyes tell a story like no other.

The doctor told me she could come home soon, but to which home, I'm not sure yet. I'm not leaving Demi alone again. I love her more than the world, and to think I was so close to losing her scares me so much. I've decided I'm going to be with her forever. I'll drop out of college and move to Michigan, if that's what it takes. By the way Demi is looking at me, I know she knows this is what I'm thinking because her eyes are telling me no. They're telling me I'm broken and bruised, scratched and clawed, but I will not let you give up your life for me. But my eyes are saying yes, I'm doing this because I love you and because you _are _broken and bruised, and scratched and clawed but I'm going to be there to bandage your wounds and kiss your scars.

Demi motions me over to her bed, and we lie in silence. I put my arm around Demi and she scoots into me and nestles her head against my chest. I gently stroke her back and soon she's fast asleep again.

It's so hard to see Demi like this. I've seen her like this before, but not to this extent. She's so beautiful and has always been such a kind, sweet, amazing person. If there was any way I could take away her pain, I would. In a heart beat. I'm determined to be with her for the rest of my life. Whether that's together together, or as friends, it's going to happen. I can't stand to think that she could've died. Then what would I have done with my life? Nothing, that's what because I probably would've committed suicide.

Somewhere in between my endless rambling and mindless daydreaming, I too fall asleep and dream of the day Demi and I broke up.

_"See, you're ALWAYS doing this, Demi. You chose to go to college in another state, 20 FUCKING hours away from me, and then you blame ME for choosing to stay in Texas. I was born here, I was raised here. Texas is all I know. I'm not about to leave to go with you._" _Demi is sitting on the bed while I'm packing up everything I own. Everything is changing in my life and Demi is adding even more stress to it._

_"Oh, so what you're REALLY saying is 'Demi, you're not worth following because I don't really love you and I'm soo glad you're going to be 20 hours away from me.' Don't you dare give me this shit that it's my fault when you don't even love me anymore." I'm so angry and appalled right now that I just scream. I scream and scream and scream until I feel I'm ready to face this bullshit. How dare she say I don't love her. _

_"I DON'T FUCKING LOVE YOU? IS THAT WHAT YOU REALLY THINK? IS THAT WHY I'VE BEEN CRYING EVERY NIGHT SINCE THE DAY YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE MOVING TO MICHIGAN, BECAUSE I DON'T LOVE YOU?! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS?" I walk out of the room and slam the door behind me._

_"Selena! Stop. We need to talk. I know you love me, I do...I just...I don't know. It's hard for me to leave you and I'm trying to find any excuse to help me feel better. But I love you with all my heart, and I know you love me. I love you so so so much, it hurts how much I love you. You are my sun and moon and stars and the center of my universe, and I'm just going to have to leave all that when I leave and I don't know how I'm going to handle that." Demi breaks down in tears and I walk over to her and pull her in a tight hug. I lift her chin up and kiss her sweetly. I then kiss her eyes, and wipe her tears away and kiss her forehead._

_"You have no idea what you mean to me, Demi. It hurt me so badly when you said I'm letting you leave because I don't love you. I love you even more than you say you love me. You are beautiful and MY everything. I don't know what I'm going to do when you leave in two weeks. I'm going to be stranded and alone. I want to come with you, I really do but I can't. My heart, soul and home are here and I don't know if I can give all that up. You are SO worth giving up everything for, but I'm so young and you're all I've ever known. Maybe this distance is good for us...to meet new people." _

_"You're breaking up with me?" _

_"No, Demi. I'm just saying until next time when we are out of college and have had more experiences and opportunities." Demi nods her head and we continue hugging for ten minutes._

_"I will always love you, Demi."_

_"Forever, Selena, forever."_

"Selena, move you're on top of me." I'm awoken to Demi trying to push me off the small hospital bed we're sharing. I stretch before hopping off the bed.

"...Selena, you said I will always love you, Demi in your sleep. That's what you said to me when we...broke up. Are you leaving me again?" Demi bites her lip in an attempt to stop herself from crying. It's the one way I've always known when she was about to cry.I immediately run back to the bed and cup Demi's face.

"No, Dems, no. I am not leaving you. I will never leave you, okay? You mean way too much to me, and you need me. I need you, I WANT you. I will not leave you." Silent, single tears fall from Demi's eyes and each tear that drops, I kiss as it makes its way down her face.

"Demi, you are so beautiful. Don't cry. You are so, so beautiful. I love you with everything I know. I will always be here." Demi pulls me into a hug and to prevent herself from sobbing, something she also always did, she bites down on my shoulder.

"Ah, getting kinky already and I've barely even been here." I joke around. Demi laughs and my God, it's so great to hear her laugh. It's so loud, child-like and full of hope and happiness.

"I love hearing you laugh, Dems. You know, when you first started biting my shoulder, it hurt like hell. But now, I'm pretty sure that if you looked closely, your teeth indentations would be permanently in my skin."

"Say it again." I look at Demi, confused.

"Say what again?"

"Say it again, what you said in your sleep." I nod.

"I will always love you, Demi." Demi smiles and before I know what's happening, she kisses me quickly.

"Forever, Selena, forever." I smile and kiss Demi back. All this time and our connection is still there. I mean, we had known it was there emotionally and mentally, but physically was a whole other story.

"I've missed this, Lena." Demi lays back on her pillows, and I lay back too, with my head on her chest, listening to the sound of her heart beat.

"Me too, Dems. You have no idea how much I have."

"But what does this mean, does this mean we're back together?" I shake my head.

"I don't know, I hope it does. But first we need to figure out whether or not I'm coming to live here, or you're coming back with me to Texas. Then we can figure out everything else." Demi looks down at me.

"What do you mean, we have to figure out if you're coming here or I'm going there? I'm staying here and you're going back to Texas. That's how it was, and how it has to be."

"No, Demi. I will either come here or you come with me. I refuse to leave you again. I will not leave you. I will not leave you."

"Lena...you can't just give up your life for me. We've already been through this, when we argued on the day we broke up. We can't give our lives up for each other, not yet anyway."

"No Demi, listen to me. I WILL NOT LEAVE YOU again. I can't lose you. I was so close to losing you. You need me right now and I need to know you're okay, at all times. I have decided this already and you're not changing my mind. So which one will it be? Are you going to come home with me or am I going to move up here?"

"...I'm moving back to Texas. If you're going to give up everything for me, you might as well still be in our home state."

"Good, I was hoping you'd say that. I mean, Michigan seems all pretty and stuff, but I hear the winters can be freezing and terrible, and I'm not much of a snow person." Demi and I both laugh at this and fall back into our comfortable silence until some lady comes in.

"Demetria Lovato? I'm Dr. Margaret. I'm the counselor here at the hospital. They send me in when someone has tried to take their own life, and/or when there are very visible self-harming scars. Seeing as you have both, you and I will be spending lots of time together." I see Demi roll her eyes. I know how this is going to go. Demi is going to put on a fake smile and bullshit all her answers until the Dr. Margaret leaves her alone. She's going to pretend to be fine, when she's not, just so she won't have to talk to anyone.

"Uh...yeah, okay." I get off the bed and I see the pleading in Demi's eyes not to leave the room, but I know I shouldn't be in here right now. If Demi is going to say anything truthful, she won't say it in front of me. She think I'll see her as weaker and vulnerable.

"I'm just gonna go get something to eat. Do you want anything, Dems?"

"Where are you going? Can you go to Panera and get me the usual?" I smile and nod yes. I shut the door behind me and leave Demi with Dr. Margaret.

I pray to God Demi will just this once not hold anything back and actually try to get help.


	7. Chapter 7

**Demi's P.O.V**

"Do you ever have those moments where you just want to escape your town, body, mind, and soul? That's how every day feels for me. It's a constant struggle between leaving and cutting. If I leave, no one will care, or even notice for that matter. If I cut, it's the same thing. No one cares. No one notices. So I do the cheapest most practical thing, I cut.

It's a never-ending cycle. This need to want to escape. It hits me at the most random times and it takes everything in me not to just flee. But, you see, I'd have no one to flee to. No one to visit. No one to care about me. Well, that's not entirely true. I could've gone to Selena, but the disappointment and shock she would've been in would've driven me off a cliff.

But when I'm not feeling a need to escape, I feel a need to do better, to be better. That doesn't happen, either, because of my scars. I take one look at them and I'm brought back to reality. My reality is that I'm stuck. I'm stuck in this place that's filled with nothing and emptiness. There's nothing that could ever fill this void I have. It's always been there, ever since I was a little girl. When I met Selena, she filled that emptiness for a while, but it was always there...it might have been hidden by her love, but it was there.

I think I started to realize why I had that void..It was because I didn't love myself. Ever. I've always hated something about my body, my thoughts, my actions. Even the way I talked or slept. It came down to me hating every last thing I did, and I started to feel like I wasn't even good enough for myself. How can someone not feel like they're not good enough for themselves? It's like God put me in this body that I'm not worthy of. He put me on a world I'm not good enough for. If I can't be good enough for myself, for God, how can I possibly be good enough for anyone, let alone anyone who is supposedly loves me, and I back?

I said I loved Selena, I do, but my love for her isn't genuine if I don't love myself, right? They say if you love someone who loves you, you have to also love yourself because that person is a part of you. Or something like that. But still, I never feel good enough. And that's also another one of my problems.

There are times I'm happy. Maybe not full-on happiness, but times when I feel happy. Like when I'm talking to Selena. Or when I see a baby laughing. Things that make_ everyone_ happy. I don't get happiness out of anything that's specific to me. Like, I don't get happy when I'm eating ice cream, or having a really good time. I just never feel happy. Happiness isn't something I've felt in a really long time, and I miss it.

I see people, and couples, and even animals that are so happy and I wish it was me. I wish I could remember the last thing that made me genuinely happy. People have told me I may have to pretend to be happy, and eventually I will be, but that's bullshit. I can't fake happiness, no one can. Happiness is an emotion you show when you're overjoyed. It's your body's natural reaction. How do you fake a natural reaction? You can't, not really.

So that leaves me with the only other emotions I feel: depressed, tired, angry, empty. The greatest emotions, right? Hearing myself tell you all this makes me want to cry at how pathetic my life is. How do you just sit there and listen so intently? You know, you're the first person I've ever told all this to. But anyway, so my four emotions. They're all I know how to express. They're natural because that's the way I feel. They show because that's the way I feel.

See these scars? The ones on my arms here? They're the most painful to see. I can look at all my other scars without feeling anything, but these right here hurt. They're my deepest scars and the ones that remind me of times I'm not proud of. They're like battle wounds, right? But shouldn't battle wounds be something you're proud of since you survived?

Have I really even survived, though? I mean, here I am sitting in a hospital with freshly stitched scars, IV in my arm, emptying my soul out to someone I don't even know. I haven't survived yet because I haven't even begun my recovery process. Who knows. For all you know as soon as I'm released from this hospital I'll kill myself or continue cutting. I mean, you wouldn't care any way, right? No one does.

I've tried recovery. It doesn't work because as soon as I get sad, that's it. I turn to my blade. It's a habit and an addiction. I want to cut right now, talking to you.

Can I ever be happy again? That's something I always ask myself. Will I ever be happy again? I don't think I will because my past will always haunt me, like it does now. I think I'm always going to be sad."

I finish with that and look up at Dr. Margaret. She doesn't say anything for ten minutes, she just writes. When she finally finishes, she starts talking. I look at the clock and notice I've been talking for two straight hours. It doesn't feel like that, though.

"Thank you for sharing all that with me, Demi. I've very proud of you for talking to me. And you're wrong, you know, a lot of people care about you and what you do to yourself. I do, Selena does, the nursing staff does, your family does, Selena's family does." I roll my eyes.

"No, you're wrong. You and Selena may, but my family certainly doesn't as they haven't talked to me in years. Selena's family doesn't either because I dated their daughter. And the nursing staff sure as hell doesn't because they don't even know me!"

"A lot more people care about you than you think does. But that's our time for now. I'll be back later this evening." Dr. Margaret gets out of the chair and leaves, and just as she's leaving Selena walks in with my food.

"How was it?" She asks as she hands me my bag of food. I answer her with my mouth full. I didn't realize how hungry I was until I smelled the food.

"Awful, horrible, painful," Selena laughs, "But relieving. I finally feel free."


	8. Author's Note

Hi guys, I'm so sorry. I haven't written in a really, really long time. School started for me and it's very stressful and demanding, but I also swim and that takes up quite a lot of my time as well. This weekend I devote to writing so look for updates over the weekend.


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